October

I don't even know where to start except to say that this month is both heartbreaking and heartwarming.  How are you supposed to grieve the loss of one son and prepare for the arrival of another son?  I guess a huge piece of me did not want this month to come.  I don't want to place more time between me and the last time I got to hold Tyler.  Although it does bring me one day closer to Heaven and being with him forever.

Don't get me wrong, I am very very thrilled for Mason's arrival.  We have his furniture all set up and we are waiting on his bedding.  We also just ordered his mattress, changing table pad, and travel system.  I am praying that he waits to come in early November, but I've learned that it's not my decision on when he comes.  I am glad to be in the 3rd trimester and so far all has been well.  It's just hard because I worry that this won't continue and that something will go wrong.  I guess that is what happens when you lose a baby.  I am thinking positive and I know in my heart that Mason will arrive here screaming and crying.  And trust me I will never complain about not getting any sleep or having to wake up for feedings.  I will be truly grateful for each and every moment.  That is what will make me a great mom.

So October 6th is Tyler's first birthday.  I can honestly say that I am not the person I was on October 6th, 2009.  I have forever been changed.  I am grateful for these changes because I am a much better person.  I don't take things for granted.  I know that there are far more important things in life to worry about.  I show more empathy for others and I do not complain about small things that do not matter in the big picture.  I will forever be Tyler's mommy and he will forever be my first born son.  I can't wait till I meet him at Heaven's gate.  I know that he will run into my arms.

So I start this next year looking forward to my second son and knowing that every second of every day I will honor my first son.  He will always be with me and I will never forget all that he has done for me.  My son has helped me grow into the person I am today.  It's hard to say that I would not change anything but I'm grateful for all that I have learned over this past year.

We miss you sweet Ty-man and although it is so hard to know that a year now separates us, it's also comforting to know that we are one year closer to being together again.  Please continue to look over your little brother, I can't wait to tell him all about his angel big brother in Heaven.